Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Goodbye, Thyroid

Tomorrow is the big day! I hope my cancer has a nice evening, because it's its last. Bastard.

I've written/stolen a little tribute to my soon-to-be-ex-thyroid gland. It will probably only make sense if you're familiar with the song Goodbye, Stranger by Supertramp. If you don't know it, go to Pandora or Last.fm or something and listen along.

Goodbye, Thyroid

It's an early morning surgery
Haven't eaten since last night
And I think that we can all agree
Cancer's gonna lose this fight.

Like a mouse and a lawn mower
Like a knish and hungry Jew
Like a flea and a flame thrower
Like a spider and my shoe

Now cancer has a scary rep
It's as gloomy as a tomb
But as soon as I am fully prepped
It's gonna meet its doom

Like a hot dog and a hound dog
Like a Twinkie and a brick
Like a Bama fan at Math Camp
Like a booger and a flick

We're gonna stomp this tumor
Slap it like a mime
Takes more than this to stop me
It shouldn't waste my time

CHORUS:
Goodbye, thyroid, it's been fun;
You got cancer, now we're done.
Thought it might be just a cyst.
You betrayed me, now I'm pissed.

Hello, Synthroid's daily dose.
Do your job and we'll stay close.
Suck it, cancer. Kicked your ass.
Picked the wrong guy to harass.
My complaining (Goodbye thyroid)
Must make you sick (It's been fun)
So I'm obtaining (You got cancer)
An ass to kick (Now we're done)

Just a quick cut (Thought it might be)
And a stitch (Just a cyst)
Spanked this thing's butt (You betrayed me)
It's my bitch (And I'm pissed)

So goodbye, thyroid, (Goodbye thyroid)
It's been fun; (It's been fun)
You got cancer, (You got cancer)
Now we're done. (Now we're done)

Now, scars like this are damn sexy
I am stylin' in this gown
And that nurse really does want me,
Although she only frowns

Can I connect to the Net here?
Can I update all my tweeps?
Is the TV signal unclear?
Or is this place too cheap?

Now I will come out healthy
Beaten up, not down
But please don't stand behind me
While I am in this gown.

(Jaunty 70s whistling)
Goodbye, thyroid, it's been fun;
You got cancer, now we're done.
Thought it might be just a cyst.
You betrayed me, now I'm pissed.

Hello, Synthroid's daily dose.
Do your job and we'll stay close.
Suck it, cancer. Kicked your ass.
Picked the wrong guy to harass.
My complaining (Goodbye thyroid)
Must make you sick (It's been fun)
So I'm obtaining (You got cancer)
An ass to kick (Now we're done)

Just a quick cut (Thought it might be)
And a stitch (Just a cyst)
Spanked this thing's butt (You betrayed me)
It's my bitch (And I'm pissed)

Now it's over (Hello, Synthroid's)
Now I'm out (Daily dose)
Heading home (Do your job and)
Later, radiation (We'll stay close)
For now it's over (Suck it, cancer)
Heading home, (Kicked your ass)
Heading home. (Picked the wrong guy)
You put me through a lot (To harass)
So goodbye, thyroid, (Goodbye thyroid)
It's been fun; (It's been fun)
You got cancer, (You got cancer)
Now we're done. (Now we're done)

Now you're leavin',
You had to go

(And fade out with a ba-wigga-bow-bow 70s guitar solo)

Seriously. Supertramp's Breakfast in America album is one of the highlights of the 70s. If you're old enough to drink, you've probably heard at least half the songs on there.

Thanks again for all the support through this, y'all. See you from post-op!

5 comments:

JP said...

"Like a Bama fan at Math Camp"
Hey, I resemble that remark!
I was a math major, you know.

Seriously though... do good, dude. Kick its ass. The O-team's got your back.

Phil Plait, The Bad Astronomer said...

Made of win.

Make sure you keep a sample of your thyroid in a jar. You never know what it might be useful for: clone armies, mocking, eBay...

Kaa said...

Yeah! What JP said: O-Team represent!

Ruth said...

NICE!!!! Now do it with YES' "The Revealing Science of God"

Marsi said...

Hey!

Loved your song. I sure hope surgery went well and you kicked out the cancer like the mucus in the Mucinex commercial!

Changing gears a bit but I FINALLY got to travel Beaver Ruin at the infamous Wexford/East Hill Drive yesterday. You are right - the curve did play a role and I was deceived by the photo we were shown. Sommy's is a lot closer to the intersection than I ever thought during the case. So sad. I saw the infamous 'curb cut' and all those details flooded back...

take care of yourself :)